The following article was written by one of my oldest friends on Second Life. He's graciously allowed me to publish it here. If you see Rendell in Second Life, be sure to hurl a pie at him and tell him it's from me!
How Not to Role Play
by
Rendell Carter
with a little help from Talender Serendipity
Guys -- I've noticed a couple of you doing some interesting and fun things in role play. In the interests of squashing this trend, and weakening my competition for the women, I offer these suggestions:
Forget that we're all here to collaborate on sex-soaked stories and have fun. Imagine instead that submissive women enjoy being (OOC) treated like meat. That really, the reason they'd come to an immersive, collaborative environment is that they want to be briefly masturbated to and then ignored once their novelty is *used up*. Insult their intelligence by ignoring their contributions to RP. If one of them tries to kick you in the balls, ignore it. If one of them tries to bite your cock, ignore it. If one of them shoves a stick of dynamite up your ass and lights the fuse, act as if it's no concern of yours. Perhaps say something like "/me smiles softly" in response. Above all, don't treat them (OOC) with any respect. In character, treat them like virgins on a pedestal. They love that shit. They're definitely going to leave their real life husbands and boyfriends if you do that! Be sure to ask them if they're masturbating when you appeared 30 seconds ago and put them on the fucking-machine pose ball. Even better, demand that they get on cam, masturbate for you with one hand while painting your name across their breasts with the other. That gets them all hot! Oh yeah -- *very* important -- in your *first* IM session, preferably just after "Hi" but before any kind of chance she might have to know anything about you, tell her that you want to OOCly collar her. It's a natural setup to the cam stuff. If she refuses *any* of this, insist that you think she's a real life guy and refuse to role play sexually with her. Call her "Dude" in chat from that point on, and insist that you can see "her" dick peeking out of her dress.
Assume that the women have nothing to contribute to the story. If they try to offer you money or willing sex to get them out of the Mansion, or if they explain that they're a fellow client, and you'll be in real trouble if you don't let go of them.... just ignore it. Get 'em on the right poseballs and fuck their avatars. If they don't do it for you fast enough, use snappy literary techniques to finish the scene: "/me jams his hug cock into ur squirting orgasming cunt" is a classic, and can never be over-used.
At *all* costs avoid absorbing their minds into the conflict. Don't let them pull some Scheherazade shit! Don't let 'em blind you temporarily and get away! That might involve you in *hunting* for them. Women *hate* to see a male role playerer invest *time* and *effort* into the RP, and a determined chase (seemingly not informed by the mini-map and radar) just bores them.
For God's sake, don't *trust* them with the story -- don't let them *lead* if they've got an interesting idea. If they IM you and say something like "It would be cool if I were a recovering addict and you happened to have some of my drug of choice" treat it like a *trap*! If you get the plot of this role play wrong, children all over the world will go to bed hungry, so don't *trust* the women. For Christ's sake -- they might *trust* you in turn! And where might *that* lead?
It's a good place to mention that *starting* role play and just leaving in the middle gets the women all excited and gratifies them no end. If you were in a creative writing club, sat down with someone, helped her character and yours get started on a possibly interesting story.. and then got up and walked away, don't you think that would make her hot? Don't you think she'd come after you, asking for your phone numbers and maybe to give her a baby? *Sure* she would! Same principle applies here... get 'em started, and then *cut 'em off*!
I really think that I will benefit from your use of my tips!
Don't pay attention to a female role player's clearly stated OOC preferences. Don't treat them as opportunities to sneak an interesting kink or quirk into a scene -- *ignore* them. If she says in IM that being forced to wear sexy clothing is exciting for her, well then, strip her naked! If she says in her profile that she was once strangled in real life by an attacker and won't role play that? Get out a garotte -- she's just messing with you! Aren't you man enough to ignore her? If she wants to be whipped and treated like fuck meat? RP that you're in love with her and are rescuing her from the Mansion. If she wants to cuddle after a scene? Drop her like a hot potato. At all costs avoid any kind of understanding of the real life woman you're playing with!
Assume that female sexuality is *exactly* like your own. If you're wanking, assume she's wanking. Better yet, assume all female sexuality is *just* like that shown in porn. Don't give her any time to comprehend you., Don't acknowledge her own strength, or let her tell you the back story she spent (enjoyable) hours crafting. At all costs, don't listen to her, and don't say anything more meaningful than classic lines (like the one above about the orgasming cunt, or perhaps curt orders, like "suck, whore". Believe me, forget this one -- actually engage with the women at a level that makes *them* get tingly as well as you -- and there's some danger that a girl will become aroused in the Mansion. Who wants *that*? On the other hand, if you actually *do* want to arouse a woman, creative and involving RP isn't the way to go. Instead, ask for her RL name and address. If she tells you what town she lives in, assure her that you live there too and that as soon as you're done, you'll get your walker and hobble right over. This is a good moment to ask her how many orgasms she's already had since you arrived.
Be sure to ignore the back story, virtual reality, and even virtual laws of physics in the sim. Be sure and do a lot of gesturbating -- play that "who ya gonna call?" from Ghostbusters *over* and *over*. If you've got a break-dancing animation? Let 'er rip. At least five times a minute. What's the harm? If your character is a dangerous mercenary with a cocaine habit who comes to the Mansion to blow off steam? Those guys are *always* break-dancing and saying "who ya gonna call". Trust me! Oh, and be sure to always be rich, ripped, powerful, and mysterious -- the kind of guy who says to himself "I think I need to *hire* women to have sex with me" and who won't get laid more than 150 times on the trip from his San Francisco penthouse to the Human Trafficking Mansion.
Now remember, I'm telling you this for MY OWN GOOD! Play like this, and I'll drown in nookie!
Similarly, bring "Gor" here. Dress in Gorean Free-man robes. Address women as "female" or "Kajira" or "Beast". Carry a sword even though the sim doesn't allow weapons. For that matter, carry a gun. Several guns! Several *science fiction* guns! Role play that your spacecraft is landing, and that Darth Vader is using his light saber to fight off Security.
Humor. For God's Sake! Women have no sense of humor, and have been known to even frown at the Three Stooges! *Even* the ones with *Curly* in them!!!!!!! What the *hell* would you waste your time on *humor* for? You know that stuff about how women are always saying they like a man with a sense of humor and long walks on the beach? Why would they tell the truth? So they're lying, so they *hate* guys with a sense of humor.
Oh yeah -- just as in real life, women love being fucked and them dumped. Once you've role played sex with someone, assume it's just going to be tiresome from then on. Muting her is simplest. Other women will *certainly* get the picture that you're that kinda guy, and swarm around you like mosquitoes!
Anyhow, these are just a few of the simple hints that *I* think you other guys should adopt as guidelines. The more you do it...the more girls for me!
Finally, let me add something for you ladies who (somehow) got to read this. Fellows, I'll wish you goodbye and bad luck now. Skip the rest of this note! Look away!
Ah, ladies! Let me assure you that this is *sarcasm*. That I see you as my sisters-in-arms, my fellow fighters against the specter of boredom and limp dick-ness. That *as* my sisters in arms, you should expect to see me peeking in your field shower... er... forget that part.
Instead let me invite you to demand quality from us. To demand our best game. You've been freed by Second Life to enjoy your sexuality in a way unimaginable just a few years ago, and now you've met us at the heart of some of your (and our) fantasies. You meet us as (OOC) equals, and we owe you what you owe us -- a really good time! Accept nothing less -- Help the poor guys (and girls) who don't yet have the knack, but understand that we, the good guys, understand you're here for fun, and your patience isn't unlimited. (Though it has had to be pretty close, to put up with all our shenanigans). Let's all up our game and have even more fun.
Rendell Carter
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